DRRTY GRLZ R HOTT

I no longer work at the Center. I am scheduled for surgery on my neck on the 27th. So I won't be able to massage anymore for a while. I guess that's also a good thing because my insurance runs out tomorrow and unfortunately I can't afford to renew it right now. Taking the girls up to NH later to get a little bit of time spent with Chris. I am def. considering moving up there to start fresh. Plus, he has to take the girls for a few weeks while I have the surgery, so atleast I would be closer to them all.
I am trying to get the most work done as possible at the shop before I have my surgery that way we won't be too behind without me there. I am really looking forward to having this place open. Its a wonderful opportunity.
I have cut a lot of my old connections off and am making an attempt at starting new. Kinda like 3 years ago when I did this fresh out of rehab. I know its possible to be happy, I just need to find the right path.
Man, it has been mighty hot out the past few days. But I absolutely love it!
Well, I must go do some house bitch shit while the girls are sleeping.

I have decided that dating is stupid. No more dating. I'm going to Boston tonite for my client to make moolah. woohoo. It's only going to be 100 degrees outside today too. EVEN BETTER. ahhh...don't feel well today. too much stress in my life. I had an interview with the post office yesterday. I think it went really well. I hope I get the posistion. ahh....its only 9am and im swetting bullets here. i think im going to go and jump in the redneck pool.

i have to say that i actually love the heat! i love the sunshine and i love the happiness that it brings. im going to go do some side work for a friend and help her landscape her yard. then im off to the shop to continue the never-ending painting battle. i can't wait till the shop is all done. im sooo excited about this. then john is coming over to do a trade. he's got the best hands in the world. he really knows how to get in all my trouble spots. then he will get a lomi massage. next....MY DATE!! woohoo!! we are going out to dinner and then out on his boat, then probably to his friends house where they are having a little gathering of swimmming and bonfire and what not. I can't wait! well, must go leave to start my day.

so i thought writing in a journal was to express your thoughts and feelings and to share memories or hardships with friends. i didn't know that it is a place to be constantly criticized or what not. for those who my life isn't the way you planned. Yes, I did drink on a thursday, but I didn't have my children. And I actually do know what its like to come from alcoholic parents, as well as drug addicted parents, the apple def. does not fall far from the tree, bc you soo...I myself as well as the father of my children are both recovering addicts. So, I'm sorry if I am unable to run to all of my friends to dump my sorrows on, but unfortunately, I don't have any friends that I could trust with my feelings, so therefor, I dump them in a bottle of Midori. I'm sorry if people don't like it. But its how I deal for the meantime. I don't drink when I have my children and the thought doesn't even cross my mind. Maybe if people actually knew what my life is like and what is actually going on in my life, they wouldn't be so quick to judge. But apparently, all the judgemental people feel that they need to express their feelings to me and try to make me feel bad about my actions. Maybe a different approach would be better. Hey, I know one. Actually try and be my friend to actually know how I am and what the things are that constantly throw my life for a loop. But, I think that is too much to ask from some. So, I will carry on with my life and everyone else can do the same. And if you dont approve or don't like it, then don't read it. It's as simple as that.

Off to bed now, I have a very long day ahead of me. Landscape for a friend, Paint some more at the new shop, Get a massage, Give a massage, Go on date with new boy. Yay!

drrtygrlz is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

my title is completely random, but it fits my mood.

I had an MRI done yesterday. While explaining what was going to happen, they said that it was going to be the same as last time, including the contrast injection. I told them that I didn't have the injection last time. And the girl went and looked up my info and said that yes, I did have it. And I was like, I would know if you gave me an injection because I bruise badly bc I have bad veins. So then I asked my grandma if they gave me an injection bc she was in the room when I had the MRI and she said, no why? So I explain the whole thing to her, and she agreed that I def. did NOT have that injection. So, I call the MRI place back, and they are continuously telling me that I am wrong and that I did have it, so just drop the issue. I feel very angry, and the worst part is, they won't even re-do the test to make sure!! I wish there was something that I could do to fight this, but my gram says there really isn't anything that I can do. But, I say there is. So, I need to find some sort of legal advice bc this is really bothering me to the point that I can't even fall asleep. It's constantly on my mind!!

My life is crazy right now. Unsure about my job. Unsure about my life. And very unsure of my feelings towards Christian. He and I had gotten into this huge argument and I decided that it would be best if we don't talk and that he picks up and drops off the girls at my gram's every week. But instead, he brought the girls to my house last nite so I had no choice but to see him. We barely spoke, just looked at eachother intensely. Then he left and I received a text message from him saying that I looked beautiful. Then today, I get this phone message from him. He says, I have something really important to talk to you about, so please call me. So, I call. He says that he's been looking into apartments for me up in Nashua and scoping out job prospects and he wants the girls and I to move up there and start our lives over fresh. And he said because I didn't have the money, he would help me out as much as possible. WTF is that!!!! I just hate how he does this to me ALL the time! Its like, he doesn't want me, but no one else can have me either. And now, of course, I have all these mixed emotions reguarding him AGAIN!!!!!! I just wish that he would make up his friggin mind so I can get on with my life. Everytime I start to think about him, I cry and I get further and further into this depression and it really friggin sucks!!! Well, Im off to bed. I can't take this shit anymore.

its been a bit since i have last wrote. I have had a crazy week that was partially good, but mostly bad. it seems as though the stress is really building up high again and im sinking a bit further into the ground each day. my emotions are all out wack, and i am incredibly tired of my life and the way it is going. i really need to make some huge changes and i am not quite sure how that will do. the sad thing is that nothing makes me happy anymore. I just get more and more frustrated with my life everyday. i just want to run away...

You Are 70% Redneck

You're just about as welcome up in town as a hair in a biscuit. Ain't no hidin' your redneck roots!

Your Love Element Is Fire

In love, you are a true listener and totally present. For you, love is all about feeling more alive than you've ever felt. You attract others with your joy and passion. Your flirting style is defined by your strong ability to communicate. Fun and play are the cornerstones of your love life. And while your flame may burn too brightly, it's part of your appeal. You connect best with: Wood Avoid: Water You and another Fire element: will likely burn out quickly

You're A Crazy Drunk

When you drink, you get wrecked - and it ain't pretty.

Your Love Number is 3

You're confident and charming, which makes you able to keep your relationships fresh. A true perfectionist, you give your all (and then some!) to your sweetie. Honest, funny, and kind... you are the ideal lover for many. Just don't let your jealousy get the best of you!

decided to take the girls to the east longmeadow carnival tonite. my gram went with me and boy am i glad that she did! there were sooooo many people there and the whole place was muddy because it had just rained before we got there. but cameron had lots of fun going on all the rides, and of course since she is so small, i had to go on all the rides with her! but then the fireworks came on at 10 and her and ky just stared up into the sky in this look of amazement. i love seeing my girls all happy and starry-eyed.

in other non-related news, i went to the neurologist today and received interesting news. apparently, he noticed some "white" matter on my brain in the pictures and was rather vague in explaining things until we did more tests. i have to get a mri of my cervical spine and brain next monday and then get a vision/hearing test in 2 weeks. then i go back and find out what he has to say. nothing like keeping me in suspense. more things to fret about. although, i am going to try and keep my mind off of it as much as possible. RIIIGHT! atleast the dr. was cute and straight off the boat from Ireland! :p

well off to bed. i have a 4th of july party to go to tomorrow! yay! swimming in a large inground pool! woohoo!!!! g'nite

I was able to sleep in till 10am this morning because since the girls were up late, they decided to sleep in!! Yay!! When we all finally rolled out of bed we had breakfast and then my dad came over to see the girls. Cameron, as usual, wore him out FAST! He left and Cam and I hopped in the shower to get ready to go to a wake. We went to the wake and saw some people that I hadn't seen in a while and then decided to head over to my dad's because he was going to make us dinner. BONUS...free food and NO cleanup!!! Except Cam fell asleep on the way over there and he took her out of the car and she crashed on his couch for 2 hours!! We kept poking her to make sure she was alive. While she was sleeping, Kyla was playing and started to crawl backwards!! WOOHOO!! If she is going to be anything like Cam, she will start crawling in 23 days! We shall see.

I have to go to the neurologist tomorrow and see what the hell they think is wrong with me. I think its some sort of circulation issue....eh, who knows. I have only had minor paralyzation episodes since the huge ones. so that is always a plus. ahh.....well better be off to bed because im sure the girls won't sleep in tomorrow!

Ok, so as I sit her in this steamy house of mine, I was trying to make a brochure for the business and was having extreme difficulties so I decided to take a break from it all. Cameron is refusing to take a nap right now and every now and again, she lets out this scream which I think is being done intentionally to wake up Kyla. GRRRR....... I think I am going to go and shower for the 2nd time today because I am just feeling rather toasty.

I have had a couple of laid back days this week. Pretty much lounged around and got to spend a lot of quality time with my girls. Cameron can go peepee on the potty now which is soooo exciting! And she can sleep in a big girl bed all by herself. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. :*(

I went out to the door last nite solo. It was pretty cool. I got to play pool a bit and actually was kicking some ass for like 5 games, so that was a first and made me happy. I sang a lot too and got a lot of compliments on the songs that I sang which was also a plus.

I had a small cookout with the family today and then I headed over to btfulnightmare's to watch the fireworks. It was okay. The fireworks were great. I always seemed to get drawn in by the colors and how they just take over the sky and seem as if though they were just coming directly towards me. The social interaction wasn't as I expected. I'm not quite sure if it was because I had my children or if I just wasn't really supposed to go, but I felt really uncomfortable. Everyone was really great with Cameron, because she is a handful, but I really felt unwelcomed and sort of out of place. But as long as Cami had a good time then thats all that matters.

I got a couch,chair,and ottoman today for free for the business. Its really nice. I think that its going to go really well for us. Thursday we are finishing the final touches on the business plan and buying the paint and some materials that we need for us to begin working. Being a partner in something really feels good. I feel like I am finally able to get my expression out and noticed and allowing my goals in life to somewhat get on the road to achievement. Hopefully all goes well. Only time will tell.....

So its been a few days since I have written and have decided that I need to do an update so i don't forget things that have gone on in my life. Tues, went to Boston to do Brian's massage. Went really well. He is a really cool guy and we actually have a lot in common. After the massage, he asked if I wanted to get some dinner and I hesitated at first bc of the client/therapist relationship, but went with my gut and I went. We had a blast. We talked about our lives and where and what we have done and what not and even managed to flirt a little, and thats pretty much where it was decided that there would be no more client/therapist relationship, and we would try out other titles. he called me today to see what was up but i had a business meeting tonite so i was unavailable, which sucked. but he's going to call me tomorrow so see if we can hook up at some point.
I had my business meeting tonite and things went pretty well. We are still in the planning scheme of things and developing our business plan and what not, and trying to go over all the odds and ends of whether or not we want to do this or that, so it all takes time, but is progressing well. I am really excited about this whole thing. I am a partner in this which also really cool and we have talked about even eventually going the franchise route, which is even cooler. I actually haven't even felt this positive about anything like this in such a long time! I can't wait for August to come so we can OPEN!!!! yay!!!
DJ leaves tomorrow for NC for a wedding, so it will be a quiet weekend. I am hanging out with Christian tomorrow nite. he is taking me to dinner and we are going to hang out and do some much needed parenting time and also a bit of quality time bc we are both going thru withdrawls of eachother. I just wish we could make up our minds on what we want to do with "us". ahhh...who knows.......think im going to head out for a relaxing drink...no girls tonite...cya

ahhh.....so a random nite of going out and having 2 drinks was not that fun. well....it kinda was...watch mark and kelly play darts while really drunk...mark liked to stare at my chest and make dirty comments, that was funny! and dj managed to get mad at me, yet again!! oh well...its not my problem that he's a manwhore....can't wait till tomorrow....going out with chris...then going to the door to hang with uncle scotty bc dj will be in NC sooo NOOOOOO DRAMA!!! yay.......plus FREE drinks bc Janine is bartending!!! WOOHOO!! bed time now :p

i went to boston last nite to give a client a massage. it went really well and i got paid decent money and he even bought me dinner which was cool. he said that he would like me to go to boston everytime that he is there!! plus, when he's not there, i will just go to his house to give him a massage. he also referred his friend to me, which is also cool. starting to build a small clientele list.

it is really raining out right now. i am supposed to go and pick up my girls from my grams house, but this is totally unmotivating because it realling pouring out!! hmmmm.....guess i will have to ponder it for a bit. i am supposed to have a client tonite at the center and they haven't been showing up for their appointments, so i wonder if i should even bother because she will probably even blow me off. grrr......not sure what to do!!

Why can't I get him out of my head!!! Day after day I deal with this and somedays I think its ok and I don't have anymore feelings and then I have days where I start thinking about him and wanting him and missing him and then I think of all the bad stuff that's happened and how I'm angry and then I cry. Its this same fucking thing over and over and over. It's really starting to take it's toll on me and I can't stand it. I think I am going crazy!!!
more songs that express my feelings.....

Set me free why don't cha babe
Get out of my life why don't cha babe
'cause you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin'on

Set me free why don't cha babe
Get out of my life why don't cha babe
'cause you don't really need me
But you keep me hangin'on

Why do you keep a comin' around
Playing with my heart
Why don't cha get out of my life
And let me make a brand new start
Let me get over you
The way you've gotten over me yeah

You say although we broke up
You still just wanna be friends
But how can we still be friends
When seeing you only breaks my heart again

Get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night
'Cos you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin'on

You say you still care for me
But your heart and soul needs to be free
And now that you've got your freedom
You wanna still hold on to me
You don't want me for yourself
So let me find somebody else

Why don't cha be a man about it and set me free
Now you don't care a thing about me
You're just using me - Hey, abusing me
Get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night
'Cos you don't really love me
You just keep me hangin'on
You don't really need me
You just keep me - hangin'on

I am feeling rather stressed today and I am quite unsure why. I have a major headache and I am constantly feeling like I am going to cry. On another note, I watched the Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya sisterhood, and to my suprise, okay not really, I LOVED IT!! I haven't actually sat down to watch tv or anything similar in weeks so it felt kind of good to just veg out on the couch.

Tomorrow I get to go to Boston and do a massage at a hotel for a client for $200. I think it shall be well worth it. Although, many people are worried about the situation, I'm going with my gut instinct with this one like btfulnightmare told me too, because he doesn't creep me out and this could be a real good thing if he likes the session. So I am excited! Well, must do some housebitch shit and then go to bed.